The Benefits of Marriage, and why I don’t have them.

-“I thought I’d have more time, so I tarried. I was a fool. Now the girls are all married.”

Of course, the above statement isn’t true, but it does certainly feel like it sometimes. Plus, it rhymes! Things that rhyme have more impact than things that don’t. You think you will remember things that don’t rhyme, but you won’t! That’s why we remember fairy tales better than bank account numbers.

bank teller

“And now it’s the time to prove that it’s me. My routing number is 3213.”

So most of my friends are now married, which is fine, but sort of sucks. It can make a single guy feel like a half-person. In truth, they are the half-people now, but the truth isn’t always very convincing. Or comforting.

Despite all the stand-up comedians and sitcom dads constantly complaining about it, marriage does seem to provide some tangible benefits. Maybe I should get on that train, but I don’t have a ticket, and the conductor is really mean.

My friends say I should go to parties to meet someone. There is a problem with this suggestion. Like I said, my friends are all married, so the parties I do go to tend to be full of married people. Not really the best place to pick someone up.

Then they say I should go out to the bars and meet a gal there. This seems like it works for a lot of people. But there is a problem: Bars are terrible! They are loud and obnoxious, and as such they attract loud and obnoxious people. Going to bars makes me contemplate genocide more than procreation. I’m pretty sure genocide is the opposite of dating.

It would still be good for me to start a little family, if I can get there. There is a guy at work who can get away with whatever he wants because he is married and has a cute little kid. Everyone adores that kid, and would never do anything against his father.

traffic stop

“It’s ok officer, I have a very cute kit at home.”

I am just a guy, alone. It is much easier to string up, look down on, or just be mean to someone who isn’t attached to anyone particularly adorable.

So I need to get married and have a kid. Then I won’t feel weird at parties, and I can act with impunity at work.

If I had a wife and a kid I could do whatever I want at work. But if I had a wife and a kid, I could no longer do anything I want at home. So that is a conundrum.

Maybe I should just get a dog instead.

renegade dog

“Dogs: All the benefits of family, but fewer life-long consequences.”